mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
