I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
