This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Life is so much better after having sex.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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