I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
