So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
