So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize