i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
