I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
false alarm, still single
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