I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
