If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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