The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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