The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
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i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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