I've blown a few things in my day
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
