The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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