Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
