He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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