I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
