shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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