On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
