I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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