well I can't set my house on fire every night
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
