I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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