I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
