new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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