Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
