I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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