By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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