I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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