1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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