so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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