ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
