dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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