just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
