I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
