True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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