i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
