Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
