Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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