I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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