I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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