There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
