Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
