Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
