No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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