our cab driver is having phone sex.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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