I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
