why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
