My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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