My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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