For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
