hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
one two three fourrrrnication!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
