At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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