bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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