Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
