I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
