I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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