I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
